Navigating an Overflowing Mind: The Power of Internal Dialogue

Swopnil Devkota

I talk to myself. A lot. In a very not normal way. I mean all of us talk to ourselves, in our head. But me, if you caught me, you could see me in action. Oh no, don’t worry I am not hallucinating or delusional. This is different. Because here, I know that I am talking to myself. I know this is not normal. But then I cannot stop.

What do I talk about? I don’t know how to explain this. There is a lot inside my head. Thoughts running like a mouse in a pin wheel. Continuously passing. Getting vanished then resurfacing. It has become as if I am inhaling to breathe. I cannot stop them even if I want to and I have no place to pour them out. I talk about different scenarios. You just have to trigger my thoughts. And bam! There they are.

They are not harmful ones though. No violent thoughts. Just predictable scenarios that are never going to happen. And they take most of my time. They have become the part of my life. As if they were always there but now they have become stronger. More rapid. And more frequent. Honestly it scares me sometimes.

They come with overwhelming power. They surge like ocean waves and splash my reality for the time being. But again, as I said I know they are not real. I am connected with reality. I know where I am going, what I am doing. But the problem is in the past I acted out only in the covert manner. But now I fear I might have acted out overtly and now it is everywhere. It is overflowing out of me and I really do not know how I can contain it.

As I said these thoughts are harmless. I live with them now. As soon as I am awake, till I sleep. They are there. Popping out from everywhere. And in my thought, always at the end there is a happy ending. So yes, sometimes they motivate me to become more of what I am. But sometimes, I feel that they are very unrealistic. I mean how can there be a happy ending every time? Pretty unconventional right?

I often perceive these thoughts as clouds passing through the clear blue sky, momentarily reminding me of their existence. They come in various forms and sizes, and if not handled properly, they can become burdensome. Eventually, they might fall like raindrops, carrying the weight of unexpressed emotions, such as anger, pain, happiness, enthusiasm, love, boredom, and sadness. They need an outlet, just as we do. And so, they settle within our minds, finding their place gradually.

You see our thoughts are our unexpressed emotions as I would like to place them. The due anger, pain, happiness, enthusiasm, love, boredom, sadness everything and anything. They need an escape route too. And thus they get in our head. The space which is really necessary for our entire existence. And these thoughts settle in. Like we have settled in. Somewhere with something, slowly and gradually.

If you google about it there will be a series of things that are going to be displayed. Thoughts are mental processes or activities that involve the conscious or subconscious processing of information, ideas, beliefs, perceptions, and emotions. They are the products of our mind’s activity and are often associated with our internal dialogue or stream of consciousness. Wow. Vague huh? You see that’s how thoughts work anyway. And I feel the, flowing from my subconscious into my conscious mind and permeating my entire existence.

And as I said my thoughts, they resemble as if they are pouring out of my sub consciousness towards my consciousness and all over the place where I exist. They are dripping continuously like the wax from the candle when it’s burning. And I then thought why is this happening? Why are they pouring out with such a flow it sometimes feel like they are overpowering me?

After sometime, I realized, this was because I had not vented my thoughts out. And even if I did there was no one to validate it. To actually listen what I had to say. To match my rhythm. So my thoughts found out a way to find their pace, their wave length, their formation to dismantle and arrange themselves in my world. Again they have never disinfected me you see. They are just there, humming and waiting to be out.

-Swopnil Devkota (Psychosocial Counselor)